Readjust

I no longer chased you. I let you roam and be free.  Within my capacity,  I tried to love and fill the broken cracks, mend the heartaches and past traumas only to drain myself. Creating new flaws within my own space and mindframe. Over time, I learned the art of detachment. Yet, I still clung to the what’s ifs and possibilities. I dreamed of a love so tender and sweet like the beginning. Time went on and dark clouds swallowed me. Thinking rain brings flowers, I stuck throught thru the storm. Nobody deserves to be let go so prematurely. I nagivated this new space trying to grow, yet all that grew were thorns, and my rose buds never bloomed. I started to wilt from neglect that was overly served as possession. Pride took over. Not truly seeing me but the thought of whom you wanted me to be. The impressions that I intently tried to press were to be called negative nagging. A phrase I understood but didn’t see the correlation. A map of mess. Verbiage being sedated, I became enabling, nursing your mindset because I was addicted to what I thought was love. I became someone you didn’t understand. Caught in the storm. I tried shielding myself, only turning myself into an emotionally unavailable person. I was distraught, and only when my eyes filled with rage did I allow you to see me cry. Reazling, I lost my mind, never showing you my true emotions, I drove deeper into the dark. I was no longer able to build connections with those around me. Intimacy feeling forced, verbally, I felt mute. Losing myself trying to save you, I became my worst enemy. Torturing myself mentally, I became unstable and lost sight of what I wanted and deserved. I allowed myself to stoop so low. I forgot what healthy looked like. Begging for communication, I developed a passive-aggression notion because I wanted to be heard. Swaying with the wind, I was blown to a new current. Slowly coming to the realization that this was the end. I sat with myself and felt every emotion. Grieving a moment in time, I released all that was hurting me. Our time was up, and in that moment, the pool of water I created from my tears calmed down, and I felt free. The constant letting down. The words that weren’t affirming. I lost myself in another lover only to realize that we ended before we even started. Constant thoughts replaying, trying not to forget the feelings. Healing myself with self isolation only to be triggered easier with similar situations. So I tried to play it safe, not knowing this whole time I was hiding in the back of your mind. Yet, ego was held high, and although we yearned for each other, the door had been closed, and our memory was starting to feel like a foggy waterfall. A beautiful sight depending on your perception.