A Letter to my Ex

“I am not in love with you anymore.” Two and a half years. An engagement. Insemination for a baby. A life that is no more. Crying myself to sleep damn near every night versus having nightmares of you posting your new significant other on social media. Flaunting all of your happiness while I am silently swiveling in pain. Tears pour while I try to justify my feelings and thoughts knowing that I need to give up and move on. There was so much that was wrong and it just sucks that you can’t see it. Pin pointing me as thought I made you do those things and they were my fault. Your actions. My words of affirmation. I stayed. I never wanted to lose you. All the times I should have walked away but I loved you so much. Now I am sitting here loosing site of myself and wondering why. How did I get painted the bad guy? Can no one really see what happened or are they only listening to one side. What about me? What made me feel so insecure? Are you speaking on what you did to make me this way? Obsessed and yes, I have become such a huge stalker but it’s starting to calm down. Is this the sign that I might be calming down and possibly starting to heal from this horrid heartbreak? I admit, I have flaws but always made sure you never felt insecure with me because I always swerved and cut people when they flirting or stepped over lines. But not you. They are just your friends, that sent you a video of ya’ll when ya’ll talking for that brief time and told you not to open it cause I was around? Or leaving at 230 in the morning with another chick with me begging you not to leave, tears running down my eyes and you calling me pathetic, pulling from me in a drunken state and driving off with her. And like a dumbass, I waited for your return. 2 hours later. Why? So many more incidents that afterwards, all I wanted was for you to drop them so we could move forward. You didn’t have a job, barley any money, but you were in school and had goals that I knew we would both achieve together. I was willing to stick it out but not when you allowed people to disrespect me and our relationship. I never let anyone call you crazy and those who said to leave you I told them straight up, it’s not your place to say. Just to get to this point where I am blocked from everything and hurting as if our break up was just last night and it’s been months. I guess, I should have stopped answering your calls and blocked you from everything like you did me. Forcing me to get over you and move on. I ask myself why the fuck do I keep crying over you when all I did was cry because of you. Yes, I was made to feel special on certain occasions but that hurt has always lingered behind. I saw this meme today where it said, “my friend just broke up with her BF of 2 years & said ‘it’s not the person u miss, it’s the routine’…let that sink in.” I truly feel that it is true as I was always able to call and no matter what you’d answer. I guess I miss that. Sleeping on the phone because I have really bad nightmares or being able to call you when I had nightmares and you tell me that you’re right here baby girl. And I would literally pass back out. Or you holding me all night in your arms. Yeaaaa… It’s just hard because I miss and love you still. Falling out of love is hard but is a process that I am currently undergoing. Staying off social media to avoid going to your pages just to break back down. My heart yearns for a call from you but you stated you don’t want to call me and you’re the happiest you’ve been since we ended. So with that, I am left broken hearted. Because I loved you hard and I feel I loved you more than I loved myself at times. Making sure you had everything that you wanted within my reach. I see you flying to see another female damn near like every other weekend and I only saw you like once a month and or every other weekend and that’s only if I paid for you to come most of the times. IDK. I guess that this heartbreak is really helping see things that weren’t ok. Yet, I still want you and love you. Not sure why, but I think in due time I will be fine and you will just be another memory of what not to do.

4:30pm November 1, 2017 (snatched from my journal last year)