Started listening to TIME by Snoh Aalegra in the beginning of writing – Memories fade and I try to hold on.
-What is a broken heart? What is to feel when your heart wants a desire that you know is poisonous to you. Healing but only to dab a knife through the sore every time their name is called or with my tears from the thoughts that once were. How does one move past all that was given? Come back to me and let me love you. The only statement my heart screams but my mental being is trying to get me to understand that is everything is okay. Neither on the same page which is causing a hectic ass scene. All over the place, pain, hurt and agony. All kind of mean the same thing yet feel so different when speaking about exactly how I feel. Sometimes I feel like I am where I should be, Deja vu kind of thing. Other times I feel like I’m lost in an abyss with no ending and all I hear are screams. The screams within my body trying to free itself from my inner being. It seems to only be getting worse before it is supposed to get better. I beg to differ. This is my story but yet it doesn’t seems to be that way. Trying to change it so I wake up with smiles only to cry myself to sleep waking some hours later with a headache that brings my mind back to reality of what it is and what I wanted mixed with what I need. Those ideas that are no longer things that correspond together. Pictures and videos of what we had. Images of places that I am trying to erase. The voice of them put me in a place that I no longer want to feel. God damn. This is really it and with that I will slowly come terms and try to restore my heart because I know I deserve better. It’s crazy with all that we been through they still don’t get what went wrong. I’ll save that for a later date, because I know my heart was pure for you and none of what was said was true from you. Whomever they were talking to really has them misguided and I pray to the universe that in their next relationship they get it together and understand their ways. Actions vs words. Man it’s something so deceiving. Making yourself believe in what you want to is okay but understand that Karma will come back and when she does, It’s only a matter of time before you see what I was saying. Insecure or not…. A person should never have to cry to you about letting someone else go that disrespected your relationship.
p.s. (i found this from one of my journals from last year and thought i’d share)
11:21 am October, 26 2017